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	To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USAand thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocationof your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty QueenElizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does notfancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a worldoutside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without theneed for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will becirculated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aidin the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rulesare introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will beamazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour',skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half theletters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix"ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg'if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Lookup "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words interspersed withfiller noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable andinefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There willbe no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not oldenough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to usebad language as often. 2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft knowon your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to takeaccount of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize." 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also haveto learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we'retalking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place asDevonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If youpersist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become"shires," e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors asthe good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors toplay English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly"or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washyAmerican audience who can't cope with the humour of occasionalpolitical incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save TheQueen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not wantyou to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kindof football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a verygood game. The 21.5% of you who are aware that there is a worldoutside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, andshould instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best ifyou played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you braveenough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar toAmerican "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest everytwenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). Weare hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host anevent called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outsideof America. Since only 21.5% of you are aware that there is a worldbeyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead ofbaseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders,"which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will nolonger be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in publicthan a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensibleenough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require apermit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a newnational holiday, but only in England. It will be called "IndecisiveDay." 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is foryour own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand whatwe mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. Youwill start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the sametime, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefitof conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help youunderstand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call FrenchFries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian,though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while inEurope) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things youinsist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Realchips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditionalaccompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added toall tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantityto be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is notactually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st, only properBritish Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews ofknown and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." Thesubstances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth bereferred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of theproduct of the American Budweiser company whose product will bereferred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow trueBudweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, CzechRepublic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," asyou will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) priceswith the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of theformer USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers andtherapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Gunsshould only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sortthings out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist thenyou're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with youshortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to1776). Thank you for your co-operation. Basil Fawlty (aka John Cleese)