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	TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and Iappreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback ridingor salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down thebeach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be yourrevolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough torealize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell youhow safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in mypants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "thecurse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is startingright now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surgingthrough my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'llbe transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly withknife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seenquite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, cryingjags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time formost women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violenturge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill justbecause he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America isjust crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to thereason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reachinside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, andthere, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a HappyPeriod." Are you f@cking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really thinkhappiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrualperiod? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, therewill never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jackyourself up on Motrin and Kahl鷄 and lock yourself in your house just so youdon't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and asketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pullyour head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxipad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are youjust picking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take mymaxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss yourFlexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescendingbullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always. Best, Wendi Austin, TX