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2005 Darwin Awards |
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| [The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awardedevery year to the persons who died in the stupidest manner, therebyremoving themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine Darwin AwardNominees are.] Nominee No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using ashotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield,accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing ahole in his gut. Nominee No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) ofAlamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what policedescribe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truckon a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertainthe source of a troubling noise.. Burns' clothes caught on something,however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." Nominee No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47,accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC.Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, hereached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special,which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason,residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently amongthe Darwin nominees.) Nominee No. 4 [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating thesafety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through apane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A policespokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the TorontoDominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining thestrength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoypreviously has conducted demonstrations of window strength accordingto police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm HoldenDay, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best andbrightest" members of the 200-man association.. (Nice to see anotherCanadian province getting into the awards.... The Maritimes alwayshave been heavily involved.) Nominee No. 5 [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a roomwith no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who waskilled by his own gas emissions. There were no marks on his body, andan autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diethad consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of otherthings). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears thatthe man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that washanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows beenopened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in hisnearly airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big manwith a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of therescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized. Nominee No. 6 [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin madeNews of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaitingSouth Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before havinghis sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metaltoilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into awire and was electrocuted. (North Carolina entrants are alwaysperennial favorites.) Nominee No. 7 [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may havetriggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using acigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killedMonday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff'sinvestigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents'rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor wascleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly.He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowderignited. Nominee No. 8 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a birdfeeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Torontosuburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, wasstanding on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said InspectorD'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chairmoved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another Ontarioentry... I wonder if people are moving there from the MaritimeProvinces.) Finally, THE WINNER! [North Carolina Democrat Gazette]: Two local menwere injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a treenear Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff Countydeputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnightMonday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, ofLittle Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a "frog gigging trip" onan overcast Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlightsmalfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on theolder-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fitperfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Uponinserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly,and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing theriver, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poolein the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting thepavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts andabrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery torepair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate asintended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.."Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off,or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can'tbelieve that those two would admit how this accident happened," saidSnyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) askedhow many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from thetruck? (Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventureas normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be arguedthat Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the genepool.) |
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